When I was little and people would ask me “what do you want to be when you grow up?” the answer was always simple and the same, “a mom”.   A mom is the only thing that I ever wanted to be and on this Mother’s Day weekend, though I feel that familiar ache of not being one, I am okay.

I am okay because God knew me before He formed me in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5) and He has written my life story.  Story, not stories with alternate scenes and endings but His story played out in my life.  God knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 2:11) and though I may make plans it is God who orders my steps (Proverbs 16:9). 

I was asked the other day “so are you just going to settle and move to Africa?”   I think the question was well intentioned but honestly it still stung.  It stung because of the view the individual had of me and the way it was delivered with such pity.  It stung because many people see me as living out Plan B.  This is NOT Plan B!!  Did I always want to be a mom?  Yes.   Did I always (or ever) want to be a missionary? No.    I can look back over so many different life events and crossroads where things weren’t how I would have planned them or even how I wanted them at the time but I would not change them now.   Moving to Kenya is not Plan B, neither is being single or childless, it is God’s perfect plan for me.   Sure there are parts of it that are hard, very hard.   There have been a lot of days lately I have missed living in my house.   There are days when I just cannot get up the courage to make one more support raising call or bear to hear one more “I am sorry but…(fill in the blank) we can’t support you”.  There are days when I wish there was someone else to take care of all the details.  I am to a point where leaving feels more real and so does the reality of leaving people I love and so the tears always seem close to the surface right now.   It’s hard, but it’s not all hard as I have great joy and excitement about what the future holds.  Saying “Yes” to going was easy and it was easy because I knew then and I still know now that moving to Kenya to serve the poorest of the poor is God’s plan for me and He has no Plan B.